she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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