two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
