ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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