mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
please come you make the beer taste better
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Randomize
