he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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