My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
