i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
