Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
