I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
