Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
