Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
