he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
