the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
