she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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