I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
