The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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