So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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