ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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