So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
