I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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