When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
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