I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
