i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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