Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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