What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
