We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
