i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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