Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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