laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
