After last night, I could never be a politician.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
