I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
