Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
