you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
