I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
