All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
