I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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