Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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