We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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