Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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