I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
