i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
