I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
zippers are such a cool invention
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
