I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
