We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
