Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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