why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
