i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You ruined the universe
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
