i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i will never coherently bang her
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
