How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
