We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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