imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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