And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
